Abort! Abort! Abort!

It’s a thin morning and I feel like I’m about to puke. Not because of him or her, but because all my emotions are caught in some funny place between a terrible guilt and a terrible relief.
The seat beneath me is cold still after the ten minute car ride.
I can tell by the way Liam drags his hands across his jeans and doesn’t look at me that he just wants to get in there. I wish I could say that I’m doing this because it’s what’s right, but there’s something stuck in the back of my brain that knows I’m doing this for him. I love him. He will always be my first love and the thought of ruining him leaves me feeling horrible.
“You ready?” he asks after a tense ten minutes.
I can’t vocalize it, but I nod, letting circumstance carry me where it may.
Liam takes my arm and ushers me out of the car and into the building waiting for us across the sidewalk.
I don’t know what it looks like inside, not even when we’re swaddled in the heat behind the doors and the synthetic scent of plug-in air freshener. Not particularly.
It’s just the same sort of waiting room I’ve been visiting all my life. It provides a sufficient backdrop to my internal histrionics.
Liam takes care of it all. All I have to do is supply him with all the little pieces he doesn’t know. He writes slowly as he fills out those forms, trying to make his handwriting appear as neat as possible. He seems satisfied, but I still see the waver in his O’s.
He hands it in to some receptionist I don’t see, but takes my hand when he sits back down and I am reminded of how overwhelmingly I love him.
It’s a hollow three minutes listening only to the sound of the receptionist’s pattering on her keyboard.
“Hey,” Liam says quietly. I turn to look at him and attempt a half-smile.
“What?” I ask, keeping my voice low enough so that it’s only rumbles to everyone but him.
“I heard Mr. Tenny is postponing the research report’s due date.”
“Oh yeah?” I try for genuine excitement.
“Uh huh. Back another week.”
“Cool.”
A girl comes in a few seconds later. She has beautiful red hair and cries quietly in the corner.
We don’t talk anymore as her tears spill onto her paperwork.
“Tally.” A nurse in cerulean scrubs opens the door to the back, calling my name.
No one had prepared me for this gnawing bite of fear that erupted in my chest cavity and fizzled out into my limbs. Liam squeezes my hand and my love mixes with the panic, creating another emotion that is neither here nor there.
“You can do this. I’m here for you,” he almost whispers.
I’m so scared my knees are shaking, but I focus on him. I have to do this for him. I love him.
I can’t look at the red haired girl as I walk behind that door. Alone.
“Alright Tally, I want you to hop up on this chair here,” the fifty-something nurse says and motions to a torturous looking chair to her left.
I sit.
“And I don’t want you to worry about a thing. This is a safe and quick procedure, nothing to get worked up about.” She pats my arm and smiles stiffly.
I nod.
I’m prepped before I even wrap my head around the concept of this room.
The doctor comes in. He’s tall with salt and pepper hair, he looks kinda friendly. I grip the hand rest and trust him.
They use a tube. Suction.
I’m shaking as they begin.
“Alright sweetie, I’m going to need you to relax. That’s a good girl. Keep breathing, it’s be over in a jiff. Don’t you worry kiddo, just think some happy thoughts.” Dr. Lichtenberg prattles on. I try to do what he says, I do. But there’s something building in me. Something…
It’s a sucking sensation coupled with the most disgusting sound I’ve ever heard. And as I watch that baby fly through that clear tube, the numbness consumes me.
This is worse than every pain I’ve ever felt combined.
And it’s my fault.

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~ by Jade Elizabeth on June 16, 2011.

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