This or That?

So this first poem is an original piece I had worked on and polished. And then afterwords I had a creative writing mentor look over it and make comments, so the second piece is my revisions based on his review. I’m not sure which one I like better.
Which is your favorite?

Seven basketballers plain and cloudless
Understanding the pull
And the twist
And the cascade of hormones on concrete.
It’s black today.
Falling into something like favorite jeans
That the world stains and satirizes and epitomizes.
Tomorrow is trying.
Taking Alka Seltzer
In air conditioned offices.
Tomorrow is maddeningly, incandescently jealous
Of the aqua promise of today.

Seven basketballers, almost an octet of sweat covered faces, plain and cloudless. Understanding things like pull and twist and instinctually feeling the cascade of hormones on concrete. It’s black today. There’s a collective trip, stumble and fall into favorite jeans, stained in world views like fry grease and blood lynched from human cracks. Satirized, epitomized.
Tomorrow is trying, toil, and discomfort. A swollen hand pops Alka Seltzer in air conditioned offices. Tomorrow is maddeningly, incandescently jealous of the aqua promise of today.

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~ by Jade Elizabeth on July 1, 2011.

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